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Dog Humor

December 9th, 2004, 10:48 AM
Dog Humor
Dogs fill our lives with joy, love and laughter. Here are some humorous (and all-too-true) observations about sharing our lives with dogs.

If You Can...

..start the day without caffeine

..get going without pep pills

..always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains

..resist complaining and boring people with your troubles the same food everyday and be grateful for it

..take criticism and blame without resentment

...overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong

...ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him

...resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend

...face the world without lies and deceit

...conquer tension without medical help

...understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time

...relax without liquor

...sleep without the aid of drugs

...honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics...

Then you are almost as good as your dog, my friend!

House Rules

The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

How to Photograph A Puppy

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in recliner with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Consider buying an older, trained dog.

You Know You're a Dog Person When...

You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.

You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.

You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.

Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")

90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).

You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.

No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.

You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)

You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.

Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.

The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.

You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.

All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.

The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"

Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).

More Links
A Dog's Point of View
Fun Facts
Quotes About Canines
Rainbow Bridge